


A Cat, a Porg, and a Jedi Enter a Bar

by rubric



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Armitage Hux is a Jerk, Badass Rey, Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Millicent the cat - Freeform, No Smut, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Plot, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Romantic Fluff, Snoke Being a Dick, Soft Kylo Ren, porgs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25324354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubric/pseuds/rubric
Summary: Just a fun fluffy story where Kylo and Rey plot together to get their revenge on an ever annoying Hux.  Featuring force bond hijinks, Millicent the cat AND Porgs!Takes place during TLJ---“What in the name of the Force is that doing there?”  She points.In the middle of the floor of the war machine that was the Supremacy lay a curled tabby cat, asleep as if he had no care in world.“Ah, You can see him?  That is Hux’s cat.  Millicent.”  Kylo spits.“General Hux has a cat? On the Supremacy?!”“‘I chose the name Millicent because it means strength.’”  He mimics Hux’s nasal accent perfectly.“He named his cat ‘Millicent’? What a pompous turd!” Rey exclaims.Kylo can’t help but choke back a laugh.  “Pompous doesn’t even begin to describe it. Hux makes the Queen of Naboo look like a sloppy, gorging Hutt.  Do you know he makes the First Order facilities starch and iron his undergarments?”“You’re joking?”
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 14
Kudos: 81
Collections: Read SW stuff





	A Cat, a Porg, and a Jedi Enter a Bar

Kylo kneels in front of the Supreme Leader, head bowed.Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Rey blink into existence by way of the Force Bond. 

_This is NOT a good time, scavenger!_ he entreats silently, too afraid to actually Force project the words at Rey. _Can Snoke see her?_ He involuntarily looks up. 

Snoke follows Kylo’s gaze, but apparently seeing nothing, turns back in Hux’s direction.Kylo keeps his gaze forward, continuing to watch Rey in his peripheral vision.She looks around in alarm, readying her lightsaber.There’s a pause when she spots Ren, kneeling, and when there is no reaction from the others in the throne room, relaxes.She turns toward the direction of Hux’s voice.

 _Can the scavenger see my surroundings? Hear Hux and Snoke?_ Kylo wonders with alarm.

Hux continues.“One more item Supreme Leader. I checked the logs of the fighters after our assault. I find it curious that our esteemed Commander Ren here did not actually fire his weapon.TIE 11-42 was the fighter who dealt the hit to the bridge.” 

Kylo’s blood chills as he observes Rey looking directly at Hux.There is no doubt that she can hear his words.

“They said that General Organa was present on the target at the time. I do wonder, Supreme Leader, if our Commander may be conflicted and is fit to continue with the planned mission given his—“ A sideways glance at Ren—“… _weakness_ toward his mother.We may want to consider removing him from command altogether — temporarily, of course.”Hux concludes, shooting Ren a triumphant look.

Kylo clutches his fists.The blood rises to his ears and the corners of his vision turn dark.

The Supreme Leader dismisses Hux, and continues questioning his apprentice derisively. Rey is a silent observer to it all.

“I killed Han Solo! When the moment came, I did not hesitate!” Kylo blusters, puffing his chest, glancing at Rey. 

“You are unbalanced! Bested by a girl who never held a lightsaber!”Ren feels the humiliation and anger build, vibrating throughout his body. Rey looks away sheepishly. 

Kylo glances to the side to see Rey vanish just as Snoke utters contemptuously:

“Alas, you’re _no_ Vader, you’re just a child in a mask.”

———

Kylo is still filled with rage when he steps into out of the elevator, having just left his mask in pieces on the floor. 

Infuriatingly, it is at that moment that the Force bond chooses to wink Rey back onto the _Supermacy_.

Kylo continues walking, refusing to acknowledge her presence, processing the feelings of rage and humiliation still washing through him in waves.

Rey opens her mouth, then shuts it, seemingly thinking better of what she was going to say. _At least the scavenger has some sense of self preservation_. 

Kylo takes a breath, then decides to break the silence. 

“You heard that, then.”His voice is flat.

He waits for Rey’s mocking reply.

Instead, he is startled by her calm, almost tender demeanor.

“I did.That red-haired man… he’s an asshole,”she offers.

“Ah, General Hux,” he manages.“He is the worst.”

They walk a few more moments in silence. 

Rey suddenly freezes in the corridor. 

_“_ What in the name of the Force is _that_ doing there _?”_ She points. 

In the middle of the floor of the war machine that was the _Supremacy_ lay a curled tabby cat, asleep as if he had no care in world.

“Ah, You can see him?That is Hux’s cat.Millicent.”Kylo spits. 

“General Hux has a _cat_? On the _Supremacy_?!”

“‘ _I chose the name Millicent because it means strength._ ’”He mimics Hux’s nasal accent perfectly.

“He named his cat ‘ _Millicent’?_ What a pompous turd!” Rey exclaims.

Kylo can’t help but choke back a laugh. _“_ Pompous doesn’t even begin to describe it. Hux makes the Queen of Naboo look like a sloppy, gorging Hutt.Do you know he makes the First Order facilities starch and iron his _undergarments_?”

“You’re joking?”

He snorts.“I wish I was.Also, it’s ridiculous, letting a cat wander about around a warship.”

Ren then walks over and picks up the creature roughly, rousing him from his sleep. Millicent is clearly NOT pleased with being disturbed, and starts growling and hissing almost as soon as he grabs him.Kylo heads in the direction of the nearest waste facility drop, holding the cat at arms length with two gloved hands.

“What are you doing?” Rey cries out, struggling to keep up with Kylo’s furious stride.

“Putting this thing where it belongs.Down a trash compactor.”

Rey looks at Ren in horror.Then, to his amazement, she steps right in front of him, blocking his path forward.

“What are YOU doing?”He demands.

“You’re a monster.You will NOT be killing this cat!” 

And before he can open his mouth to protest, Rey snatches the furry demon, cradling it to her shoulder gently. 

It takes Kylo a second to understand what happened.“We.. I just passed you something over our Force bond!” He blurts out.

“Huh, that’s interesting.Is that not normal?”Rey murmurs between cooing at the creature in her arms.Sensing a change in handling, the wretched thing actually rubs into her neck gently, purring and writhing in pleasure. 

_“_ What _… No,_ it’s definitely NOT normal,” he huffs, “and you’d know that if you had any training or knowledge of the Force.” _The bond is getting so much stronger_ , Kylo wonders. 

The scavenger girl looks different, he thinks, when she’s not screaming _monster_ at him.He finds himself staring at how her face softens, tiny wrinkles forming at the corner of her eyes as she smiles.He tears gaze away and manages to fix his mouth in a sneer.

At that moment, the Force choose to blink Rey out of existence, leaving Kylo to stare at the empty spot where the girl and cat stood cuddling. 

_Well, at least that takes care of that problem,_ Kylo thinks.He forces the image of Rey tenderly embracing the cat somewhere in the back of his mind, refusing to acknowledge the feelings it stirred in him.

———

When the bond connects them, Rey and Kylo are sitting cross-legged on the floor of the Falcon and Kylo’s quarters respectively.Kylo can see parts of Rey’s surroundings weave in and out of his vision.He spies a familiar chair and an activated holochess board — the glowing pieces so much smaller than he remembers from that past life.

Kylo is deriding Rey’s choice of name for Hux’s cat.

“Tigger??”

“ _Tigger_ is a much better name,” Rey declares.“Besides, he’s doing an amazing job keeping the Porgs off the _Falcon_." She moves her gaze down. "You’re a great, little beastly killer, aren’t you,”Rey singsongs, stroking the cat while he purrs on her lap.

“I don’t know what a Porg is, but Hux is apoplectic, looking all over the ship for his mangy creature,” Kylo reports gleefully.

He’s not mangy! He’s soft!” Rey exclaims. Another pet. “Porgs are native to Ac-”.She stops, remembering herself.“Porgs are demonic pests in the guise of adorable saucer-eyed featherballs.They breed like rabbits, even if you only have one, I’m not sure how!They’ve destroyed half of the Falcon’s wiring and Chewie was tearing his hair out trying to root out their nests before Tigger arrived.”

Millicent, or Tigger, or whatever the blasted creature is called these days, blinks an eye open and hisses in Kylo’s direction.

“He doesn’t like me.”Kylo posits.

“Of course he doesn’t.You tried to kill him,”A pause.“You might want to re-evaluate your overall approach when meeting strangers,” she adds, amused.

“Fair.”Kylo smiles back.

———

Members of the First Order leadership are sitting around the briefing table, Hux at its head, reporting on the progress of his latest project. _Does he_ ever _stop being so tedious?_ Kylo wonders.He idly ponders Force choking Hux so that he stumbles in his grand speech, before remembering the Supreme Leader is also present today.

Kylo feels the strange but now familiar presence of the Force igniting the bond back into existence.He glances to the empty seat to his left to find Rey seated there, as if she’s another member of the briefing. Rey looks around curiously before fixing on Hux standing at the front of the room.

In front of them, visible only to Kylo and Rey, the cursed cat prowls idly.

Rey looks at the cat, then Kylo, then at Hux, returning her gaze back to Kylo with an almost mischievous glitter.

She then grabs Millicent, cooing in his ear.With a single fluid movement, Rey ducks under the table.

 _“WHAT_ are you doing?”Kylo mutters between his teeth, praying that Hux’s incessant droning masks his words. 

“You’ll see,” he hears a voice respond singsong from under the table.“Now give me your hand, and keep a straight face.” 

Silently, he puts one of his gloved hands under the table, extending it palm up.Through the leather he feels an electric warmth as Rey clasps his.

“Keep a straight face, remember.”Under the table he feels a weight on his lap, and something warm and decidedly evil hiss there. 

Rey lets go of his hand, crawling back into her seat.

Minutes later, Hux is still speaking when the Supreme Leader suddenly interrupts.His booming voice is laced with venom. 

“What. Is. That?”He points a crooked finger at the center of the table.Dozens of eyes turn away from the holoscreen.

The orange devil, transferred via the Force, is now on top of the briefing table for all to see, prowling curiously at his new surroundings.

Kylo loses his practiced mask, and his mouth drops open.

The Supreme Leader doesn’t wait for a reply from the room.He crooks a hand toward the creature, ready to crush it with a Force choke, when a high-pitched scream tears through the room.

“NOOO! MILLICENT!”

The Supreme leader is actually shocked silent, his hand frozen in the air.After a few seconds, Snoke drops his hand and manages to spit out:“Hux. What are you doing?”

Hux, is crawling on the table toward his cat, blubbering like a frightened child along the way. 

“Supreme Leader, please don’t, I beg you!Millicent must have been taken, she’s been missing for days! This won’t happen again!” 

Hux finally takes hold of the creature, who greets her master with affection, purring and rubbing her striped head on his face.

The rest of the generals look on with their mouths agape. 

“Get. That. Out of Here.”The Supreme Leader manages, spitting out every word.

“I’m sorry Supreme Leader! It won’t happen again!”Hux repeats, fawning and bowing as he rushes out the door with the cat in arm.

Snoke stands, then exits in a silent huff, effectively ending the briefing. The rest of the First Order generals begin to file out soon afterward.

 _This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done_ , Kylo thinks to himself, maintaining his neutral mask until the room empties.

Meanwhile, Rey is doubled over, practically cackling. 

“That was amazing!” She wheezes, in between bouts of laughter.“I’m going to miss Tigger but that may have been worth it.”

Kylo doesn’t bother to hide the fact he’s staring at her openly until the bond whisks her away.

———

Rey looks around, the bond having winked her into unfamiliar surroundings.“Where are we?”

“We’re touring the General’s latest new project.He’s so proud of it.”Kylo sneers.

Her face twists with disdain.“Oh. I hope it’s not another Starkiller base.” 

Kylo huffs.“Hardly, although like Starkiller, it is another pit we’ve been pouring First Order money into. With dubious benefits.”He pauses, unsure if he should continue. _Fuck it. “_ It’s a prototype of a droid-operated light bomber.”

“A _droid_ ship?”

“Yes.It’s a a completely autonomous, capable of beating the most elite trained pilots.Or so Hux claims.”Kylo finishes skeptically.“All I’ve seen it capable of so far is draining our funds.I tried to tell the Supreme Leader it’s a waste of resources; no droid ship can hold against a well-trained pilot — especially a Force enhanced one.”

“Hold on, I have an idea.”Rey’s eyes twinkles.

Rey bends over and re-emerges with a disgustingly cute round creature in her arms.

“What… is THAT?” It peers at him with wide, saucer eyes.

“This, Kylo, is a PORG.And it’s going to make the what happened with Tigger the other day feel like a medal ceremony for Hux.I assure you, while it’s adorable, this thing is a devil in disguise.”

“What are you doing?” Rey passes the Porg to Kylo, and he practically drops it on the floor in the rush to get it out of his arms.Before he can blink he sees it scurry off and squeeze into an open air vent.

“You’ll see.”Rey’s eyes glitter.

———-

They are standing on the bridge.Rey is still present, the bond having kept them linked an unusual amount of time.She looks around curiously, saying nothing.

“And now, Supreme Leader, generals!The moment has arrived. Let me demonstrate the power of the prototype droid-operated X11-T, our key to crushing the Resistance once and for all!”Hux nods to a First Order lieutenant, a signal for the demonstration to commence.

Kylo grinds his teeth. _Hux does sound exceptionally pleased with himself today_ , he thinks, as the General directs the observation party toward the wide window of space.Rey follows behind the group.

Through the viewport, Hux’s project gleams under the light of a distant sun, poised and waiting ominously.Kylo watches six TIE fighters exit the starboard hanger bay and zip up to the droid ship.They begin an attack formation.

With lighting accuracy, the ship dodges it, disabling two of the TIEs with a stun laser designed for combat exercise.The display on the observation window confirms the hit, blinking a large “X” next to the status of two of six of the TIEs.

Hux’s eyes gleam with pride.

The other ships fall back, re-forming an attack plan.The droid ship does not wait, pursuing its remaining targets with cold precision.

Then suddenly, a shudder.The droid ship comes to a complete stop.

The other TIEs fly around it cautiously, probing for a trap.Minutes pass.The droid ship continues to float silently.

Confident the ship is now a hunk of floating space garbage, one TIE ventures closer, then makes its kill shot. There is no resistance.

The display on the observation window displays another big red X, confirmed with a blinking message:“DROID SHIP DISABLED”

The silence on the bridge is deadly.

“What happened, General Hux?”The Supreme Leader’s voice is tight with displeasure.

Hux blubbers. “I am not sure Supreme Leader…” He is now punching furiously into a data pad, a sheen of sweat forming on his brow. “There must have been a malfunction.Let me just—”

Kylo smiles ever so slightly as he hears the sound of Hux struggling to catch air in the throes of a Force choke.

——-

Afterward, Rey and Kylo walk down the halls of the _Supremacy_ , stormtroopers fleeing at the Master of the Knights of Ren’s approach.

Kylo manages to keep his game face on until the corridor is emptied.He turns to Rey, suddenly bursting into fits of belly laughter. _I don’t think I've laughed like this_ ever, he marvels, unable to stop. Rey looks at him in wonder.

Without thinking he sweeps her up into the air, spinning her twice with joy, and puts her down.Idly, he thinks she weighs almost nothing.

Rey continues to stare at him, saying nothing. The mood is suddenly deadly serious as Kylo’s laughter dies down.They are standing too close, he thinks.

She breaks the awkward silence. “We make a good team,” she says simply, smiling. 

“Rey—“Kylo starts.

Rey burns a look into his face he’s seen before.It’s pure determination.

“Ben,” she interrupts.“Don’t say anything.I’m coming for you,”she declares. 

Before Kylo can protest, the bond winks out.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd sorry I cannot seem to find any Discord servers lol where all my reylos at


End file.
